These first hundred subscribers will be rewarded by always being very important to us.

This is, we are told, the first properly hard target to get to. The knowledge that you have helped us do it will be your reward.

This will be a big thing for us. Also for our subscribers, who will gain access to a slide show of contributors’ baby photos. This will allow them to enter an Amazingly Prestigious Competition, the prize for which will be beyond price and not available in shops.

Note to self: check this is ok with contributors.

We will commission our house artist, Tom Sears, to produce a Listen & Often Needs You poster, and select one subscriber at random to receive a print of same.

Secret target unlocked. No one has the key!

Listen & Often is viable! The show will continue for ever and ever. This might seem like a big claim but people laughed at us when Tall Tales started in 2010. Are they laughing now? Yes.

Listen & Often has to VAT-register! If you are an accountant you will be able to pitch for our business! Only subscribers will be eligible!

We will consider expanding our offering. There might be video available by this point but it will just be our faces. Do people like that? Marketing executives say that do. They haven’t met us though.

On the other hand, we will commission Tom Sears to do a picture of the L&O chicken climbing the Empire State Building like it’s King Kong and a free print will again go to one random subscriber.

If we don’t expand our offering, we will at this point be paying our contributors at a similar rate to the BBC while providing infinitely less quantity and variety at a massively lower technical quality.

In honour of this, we will embark on the production of an all new ten-part lavish costume drama mashup of all six Jane Austen novels. This will take as long as it takes.

We will buy a Cadillac and a load of expensive French cheese.

My wife will leave her current job, do our accounts part-time (assuming she’s a subscriber, see above) and become a celebrity potter.